Barriers to Discussing Suicide

There are a few thoughts I must unburden.

I have always found it difficult to talk about severe depression and suicide because it means risking being forcibly committed to a psychiatric facility, being cut off against your will from everything you know. It’s a horrific experience. This creates a significant barrier that requires trust to overcome. Trust in both the person and system you find yourself in to react compassionately.

A hostile one, like the one I found myself in at Carleton University and more specifically the department of sociology instead constricts. With all of those negative experiences, looking back, expecting myself to make myself vulnerable and reach out was understandably, and if I am kind to myself, a task I would not have been able to complete.

I don’t feel any better about what happened today, maybe it’s the seasons changing but I have been feeling even worse lately. My long term health complications from my suicide attempt probably aren’t helping. I feel less angry today, but instead more sad. I guess this might mean I am being more honest with my emotions. I think it also reflects how tired I feel, I am losing the energy and will to be angry.

I miss my old psychiatrist that helped me for 15 years before having to retire due to illness but most of all I miss my parents and my cat. I hope I feel better soon.

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