Note: My suicide attempt has left me with significant mental “challenges”. It’s incredibly difficult for me to focus and consequently write/think at the same level I used to. It’s not impossible, and some days I am able to focus more easily than others but generally it’s a difficult and unpleasant process. This piece is unfinished and I will continue to work on it as my health permits....continue
Mental Illness Fallout: Carleton and Infosec
It’s difficult not to consider the effects of my illness on my ability to find and keep a job. It’s starting to look like the effects of my last suicide attempt might be permanent. If I’m lucky I get 2-3 “good” hours a day and I don’t think I could hold down a full time job. I don’t know how to feel about that, it’s just another layer of garbage that has been piled on. ...continue
Running Depression to its Logical Conclusion.
I’ve lived with depression as long as I can remember clearly. It’s easiest to compare depression to tides, waves hitting the shore day after month, after year with occasional breaks threatening a larger collapse. If you’re lucky, you can pick up those pieces and find a way to rearrange what’s left, giving you the opportunity to resist a while longer until the cycle repeats itself. But the process of erosion isn’t limited to me. I’ve ...continue
Barriers to Discussing Suicide
There are a few thoughts I must unburden. I have always found it difficult to talk about severe depression and suicide because it means risking being forcibly committed to a psychiatric facility, being cut off against your will from everything you know. It’s a horrific experience. This creates a significant barrier that requires trust to overcome. Trust in both the person and system you find yourself in to react compassionately. A hostile one, like the ...continue
Part 4, Distance: Carleton University’s Department of Sociology and Anthropology Mental Health Failures and my Suicide Attempt.
This section will need more work but there’s something I want to get outthere. The workload and resulting “distance” this places between students/faculty/administration contributes to the isolation of each. In December of 2019, ~3 months before my suicide attempt, I tried to reach out to the professor who had agreed to supervise my thesis. I had come across something which I knew to be related to his own research. Not only that but it was ...continue
Part 3, Bullying: Carleton University’s Department of Sociology and Anthropology Mental Health Failures and my Suicide Attempt.
Bullying was another problem I encountered as a graduate student at Carleton University. In addition to struggling to receive support through Carleton University’s mental health support resources. On top of professors and fellow graduate students openly discriminating against Quebec, accusing Quebecers of being racist for protecting their language from English’ cultural hegemony in North America and the apathetic responses I received when I expressed my frustration. Beyond these specific experiences, the accepted exploitation of ...continue
Part 2, Open Discrimination: Carleton University’s Department of Sociology and Anthropology Mental Health Failures and my Suicide Attempt.
There are two in class incidents at Carleton University that were significant in contributing to my attempted suicide. Both happened in two separate graduate classes I parcipated in. The first class was by Jacqueline Kennelly where she invited Jayne Malenfant and Dr. Naomi Nichols to speak about their experiences conducting field research on November 12th, 2018. Both were working with an organization in Montreal who worked with homeless populations. Both PhD speakers were anglophone, one ...continue